well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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