my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
