What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
pop tarts are not kleenex
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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