Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
