what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
