You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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