i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
