a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
