Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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