a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
