You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
