I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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