I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
