Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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