My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
