So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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