Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
