Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I forget how to act sober
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