My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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