capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
