The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
