i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just forgot I was standing up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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