I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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