Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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