drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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