its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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