Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
