I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
