You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
