I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
