the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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