Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
