So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
should my penis look like a turkey
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
