I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
