he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
