How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
