dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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