I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
