I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The uberlube is also flammable
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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