yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
