I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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