So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
is that a dick in a sweater?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
