I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
