I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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