i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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