Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
