i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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