Only a mothe r could love this liver
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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