I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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