we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
